This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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