got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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