mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
