I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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