Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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