please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
