I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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