so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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