Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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