I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
