I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
