Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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