I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
