I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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