I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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