Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You made out with two different species that night
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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