I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
