Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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