Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
