Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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