piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
