mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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