My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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