I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
