So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
