it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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