Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
