I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
