The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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