I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
