remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
