This is not my ceiling
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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