My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
