We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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