Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
