A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
