I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
