after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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