the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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