so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
