Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
