She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
