I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
