i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
