I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
