What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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