He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
