i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
