I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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