It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
