So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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