You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
