So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
