bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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