I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
