he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
