I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she peed on how many people?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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