so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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