just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
